The following is an overview on mindfulness and mindful parenting that I presented at a workshop at The Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health
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How does mindfulness apply to parenting?

When we are parenting without being mindful, we tend to respond in unconscious ways that may not necessarily be appropriate or effective. Being mindful means being aware of our child's experience and their feelings and needs as well as our own. If we can bring a sense of mindfulness to any situation, then we can embrace whatever is happening (whether we like it or not) and respond (vs. react) to it from a place of wisdom, compassion, and a desire to connect. Often times, we let our own agenda or our anger or frustration get in the way of being an effective parent. For example, when we parent in patriarchal ways (such as saying “Because I said so”, spanking, yelling, etc.), we not only create fear or resistance to authority in our kids on some level (especially if it occurs year after year), but we can easily damage the loving bond between us and risk losing our child’s trust. Yelling and screaming is, in most cases, an expression of a feeling of frustration and helplessness on our part, and often random disciplinary techniques like grounding, taking away privileges, etc., can be a way for us to try to “reclaim” a sense of power - to show the child who is boss, if you will. While these actions can leave us temporarily feeling more empowered, they can easily lead to power struggles and also have negative effects on our child's self-esteem and potentially leave them less willing to cooperate or share with us what they might happen to be experiencing in the future.


What about boundaries and consequences?

Limits and consequences are very important for children, but it is how they are implemented that makes all the difference. It is most helpful if they are directly related to the negative behavior, as well as being reasonable and educational, and not punitive. I remember a story that I heard where someone in France was asked “how do you punish children in this country?” and the person did not understand what was meant by the question. Eventually they replied, “Oh, do you mean "how do we teach our children?"” This is a great example of mindful parenting. It is all about the intention. Are we just running on autopilot, bossing our kids around and constantly trying to “be in charge” and doing our best to squelch “uprisings” when they do arise or are we able to mindfully assess the situation and explain to our children what we are wanting them to do and why? The latter approach contributes to establishing cooperation and respect in our relationship with our child.


How can people become more mindful?

By paying attention – both inside and outside of you. One way to do this is to simply take five minutes every day and watch your breath. Your thoughts will try to take you away from this simple task, but just gently bring your awareness back to the breath. Once you have practiced this for awhile, try doing it for ten minutes and eventually work your way up to thirty minutes a day or more. You can also practice being mindful in any situation that you might happen to encounter in life. For example, if you are standing in line at the bank or stuck in a traffic jam, just notice your frustration and work on accepting the reality that you are waiting in a line or stuck in a traffic jam. This approach can also be very helpful with parenting. For example, if your child happens to break a glass, do your best to accept that the glass is broken and then choose how best to respond in loving and kind and educational ways instead of letting your unchecked anger or frustration out on your child. As we can acknowledge that our children make mistakes, then we’ll be better able to humbly admit that we do as well (and we will be more patient and compassionate toward both of us!)

No matter the situation, simply check in with your breath, come into this moment, and do your best to accept whatever is happening (because it is!). We can either grumble for five minutes in that line at the bank or we can accept that it is what we are actually experiencing and choose how we will respond. As Eckhart Tolle says, we can either accept something, change it, or leave it – there really are no other choices. And most of the time, something like a bank line isn’t really worth getting that upset about. Rather than falling deeper into resistance and unhappiness, we can instead check in with ourselves and accept life as it is unfolding - even if it is not exactly how we might prefer it to be.


How can I parent more mindfully?

Just like sometimes we are stuck in a line at a bank and don’t want to be, there will be many times that our kids are doing something that we don’t want them to. In those moments, we should try to do our best to not fight with reality, no matter how much we want it to be different than it is, and learn to respond from a responsible and honest place. For example, if a glass breaks, we can either react “unmindfully” by yelling, insulting, and shaming our child for breaking it or we can choose to be mindful of the situation and our own emotions and then respond with a level head. It’s really all about accepting what’s happening as best as we can, checking in with our emotions to see where we are at, and learning to respond versus react to the situation.

Doing this can also help us become more aware of ourselves and our unconscious patterns. For example, as we become more aware of our actions as a parent, we might one day wake up and say, “Whoa! I am totally acting like my mother or father would have in this situation, and I hated how they treated me.” And once we have woken up to our own unconscious patterns and reactions, then we can begin making effective, honest changes in our lives and relationships.

(If you happen to be looking for a book that provides a thorough and enlightening overview of the concept of mindful parenting, I highly recommend Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn.)


How can I teach my kids to be more mindful?

Children can be taught many of the same meditation strategies as adults, but often benefit from more playful and engaging ones. An internet search will turn up many effective books, cards, and activities that can be used for this purpose. These can be a fun and beneficial way for us to practice mindfulness as well (it doesn't always have to be a silent or serious endeavor!) and can be a great way to find more authentic connection with our children.

Another important element of mindfulness that we can help our children practice is to understand and work with their emotions and their reactions to them. Doing this can help our children (and us) become more emotionally aware and intelligent and empowered to express their needs and feelings in authentic ways. We can help them better do this by honoring their emotions and their experiences; by validating their emotions and by letting them know that WHATEVER they are feeling is okay (and that it will eventually pass.)

You see, just as we might experience feelings of anger or frustration or whatever else might happen to come up when we are in a bank line or a traffic jam, for example, kids also experience a wide range of emotions throughout the day. And these feelings that we all experience are important, even if they can be painful at times, because they can help guide us to better know ourselves and navigate life in an authentic way. It is important for us to recognize and acknowledge all of our emotions in a mindful way and to teach our children to do the same because just as it’s not helpful for us to stew silently and raise our blood pressure every time we are caught in a traffic jam, it’s not ideal for kids to keep their emotions stuffed inside or to act them out in ways that might be hurtful to themselves or others. Our emotions are very important because they are our key in every moment to being more self-aware, wise, and effective individuals. We must remember that our child's emotions are always appropriate, even if their behaviors may not be. Teaching them how to be more mindful can help them embrace their inner experience and to learn from it.

Additionally, children (and adults) are much more apt to thrive in an environment that is consistent, fair, and kind. We all tend to respond much better to someone who is asking us to do something in a kind and collaborative way, rather than yelling at us. In order to create a consistent and supportive environment for our children, we have to be really tuned in to what they are experiencing; where they might be struggling, where they might be needing extra support behaviorally, emotionally, or academically, etc. If we are not being mindful, we are going to have much more difficulty doing this.

Children do better in an environment that is safe and trusting. If we work hard to create a fair, consistent and nurturing environment where our child feels safe, respected, and valued it will keep our relationship growing in trust. You see, we all have an emotional bank account with the other people in our lives and if we are treating our child fairly, then our “trust account” with him will keep filling up. If we are not fair or respectful to him, however, then that bank account balance will likely be pretty low, and the value of the relationship and the child's self-esteem will probably suffer as a result. In addition, by treating him in a fair and respectful way, we will also be modeling to him how best to treat other people.


How long does it take to become a mindful parent?

This is the work of a lifetime because life is constantly giving us new situations to work with. As we continue to respond to these situations from a mindful place of honoring their validity and being real with ourselves, however, we will grow in wisdom, awareness, and inner peace. And our relationship with our children (and with our spouses, co-workers, etc.) will become more authentic, caring, and real. It will change for the better for we will be able to relate to them in more honest, authentic, and insightful ways.


If you’re mindful will you still make mistakes as a parent?

Absolutely! Just because we become more mindful of ourselves, it doesn’t mean that we will become perfect parents or people. In fact, we will begin to realize just how conditioned we have been by our own parents and society in general. But instead of simply continuing to run on "auto-pilot", we can do something about it. We can acknowledge every day all of the “mistakes" we make – that is, the ways that we have acted that we realize could have been handled more effectively and compassionately – and look inside and figure out why we're doing the things we are doing and how we might change in ways that are more authentic. If we’re not being mindful of ourselves or our actions, however, we’ll likely just continue behaving in ways that we are not even aware of.